Ordinary Days

“Just a day, just an ordinary day, just trying to get by.”  This is the beginning of a song by Vanessa Carlton (random, I know).  But this song describes many days in the life of someone with depression.  Days feel ordinary and many times you are just trying to get by.

Have you ever experienced this?  You know if you have.  Waking up, feeling that any responsibilities you have that day are giant burdens and you have no idea how you are going to tackle them.  No one responsibility is more important or difficult than another. They are all equally heavy.  No day is more important or difficult than another.  They all feel ordinary.  It is really not fun to feel this way.  You wonder what will end this if nothing feels important or meaningful.

You try to tell yourself that something will come along that will feel important or worthwhile to break you out of this fog.  You wait…and wait…and wait.  Alas, each day still feels like that ordinary day and you are just trying to get by.  Seasons come and go, you have glimpses of hope but they’re completely overshadowed by the notion that everything feels hopeless so those glimpses must be false.

One of the hardest parts of feeling that everyday is ordinary is when those around you find days enjoyable.  They think you will also find the day enjoyable and meaningful.  And while you may have enjoyed the day, you know ultimately it will not change anything and tomorrow will be another ordinary day.  That is hard to explain and hard for someone who is not experiencing depression to understand.  As the person going through depression you want everyone to just understand and get it without explanation but that unfortunately is not how it works, which is when rifts start to happen.

It is really hard when days feel ordinary and you cannot express that to people in a way they will understand.  Truthfully, I do not have any great advice as to how to break this cycle.  But you have to keep trying to break it…it has started to break for me.  I feel at times there is no hope.  Then I realize there are many others who have continued on after experiencing something much worse, so if they can do it why would I not be able to?  Maybe I am weak.  But that is likely not it.  Some days have started to feel more than ordinary.  That gives me hope that one day there will be more extraordinary days than ordinary.

 

-mnw

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