The worst part of being depressed is how crippling it is and can be. It can be paralyzing. That is difficult to explain to others especially when you are in that moment. You want to feel better and act like everything is alright but your body will not allow you.
Well, it’s been two days since I’ve tried to write this post. And frankly, it’s been hard for me. I think because I am scared. I am scared of how I feel. I feel better, but not really. Better than before, much better, but then there are moments (sometimes days) where I’m not better. And that scares me to admit that. I guess that fear is something that has been crippling me without me even realizing it. And that’s part of what this whole thing can do to you; make you act or feel a certain way without you being fully aware that you are acting or feeling that way. That is how it can be so crippling.
I am worried. I worry for the future. I also worry for the present. I want to be my best version of me for everyone around me. There is so much for me to offer to others. Do they see that? Am I giving as much of myself as I can? I know I should be focusing on my own health and I am, so now I am thinking about how a residual effect of that should be how those around me feel and how they perceive me. I want the best for everyone. I saw a quote today that really resonated with me and is really making me do a hard stop and closely examine myself…
“Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier.”
I mean, that’s pretty powerful. To make sure each interaction you have with others benefits them just as much as it benefits you. I guess this is why I get fearful. What if I am having a really off day and my light does not shine through and help make another person better and happier? That’s a devastating and scary thought to have. One that makes you want to stay away from others when you are down because you do not want to bring them down with you. This is such an important thing for loved ones of people with depression to know. Many times it is not about them wanting to shut people out or be alone, it is that they would rather not talk with you than even toy with the possibility of you feeling an ounce of sadness, pain, and vulnerability that they are feeling.
I am not sure what is bringing on these feelings of fear within me. Normally I am afraid of nothing. It is a new feeling that is very difficult for me to navigate many days. Sometimes it makes me angry. Which is also a feeling I rarely feel, so then I truly begin to question myself and whether I am healing. I think that I am and that this is part of my process, but every day is a learning experience. Some nights I pray not to fall asleep because each morning is difficult and it feels like I am starting over. As the day goes on, I start to feel better; but then I must give that up and begin all over again tomorrow.
Tonight instead of praying not to fall asleep, I will try to pray that when I wake I can begin where I left off rather than having to start anew again. And maybe slowly, I will be able to heal so that I can make others better and happier each time I interact with them.