Emotions: Inexplicable.

Mid-breakdown right now and the only thing I can mentally fathom doing is writing.  I cannot function otherwise.  Not even able to get up off my couch.  I am thirsty, could use a Kleenex, and am cold.  But I cannot move.

This was the first time I have ever been in the midst of a depressive attack while simultaneously being aware I am in the middle of an attack.  It was like I was seeing my thoughts from above.  Like there were two people in the conversation.

The main voice in the conversation is telling me how difficult things are right now.  Not just with one aspect of my life, but many.  Work, finances, friends, family, relationships, and pets.  That’s without all my mental health issues I am trying to work through.  I am not saying my life is any more difficult than anyone else’s, because I do not believe it is.  It is probably actually much better than most.  But that is another reason why this voice in the conversation is so frustrating.  I know things are not as bad as they sometimes feel, yet this voice will not let me believe that.  This voice wants to tell me over and over how bad things are and how they will not get better.  No matter what.

So that is one voice.

The other, quieter but much more frantic sounding voice is the one saying “do you hear yourself right now?” This voice is telling me how ridiculous the loud voice sounds and is trying to remind me that the loud voice is wrong.  But then the loud voice comes back in and says, “how can I be wrong? Do you hear how loud and overpowering I am? I must be right.”  And I am wrestling.  Somehow I am currently wrestling nothing other than my own mind.  And let me tell you, it’s a very helpless feeling.  Knowing that you are your own worst enemy.  That you do no want to think these things, but some monster and some disease inside of you is making you.  It is like being physically ill. You don’t WANT to feel terrible, but you cannot help what your body is doing.  You are not in control.  All you can do is do your best to take care of yourself and hope that helps you feel better.  Mentally feeling ill is the same way.

Right now, I am hoping writing will calm me down and help my brain make the loud voice subside.  It sucks having these moments.  It truly does and I would never wish it on anyone.

How do you tell your own brain to stop working?  How do you tell yourself you are wrong, when you know you are also right?  It makes no sense.  Being your own biggest advocate yet your biggest adversary, literally at the same moment in time.  It hurts you.  You feel weak for somehow feeling both of those things towards yourself at the same time.  Feeling one way or the other feels normal; but both at the same time?  It makes you feel strange and alienated and as if nobody can empathize.  So you do not tell anyone, furthering those feelings.

Hopefully the way I feel is only temporary and can go away before bed tonight.  It would be difficult to wake up and begin a new day feeling this way, so I am going to work hard to be balanced mentally before falling asleep.  If anyone else is feeling this way right now, know you are not alone tonight.

 

-mnw

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