An Emotional Day…and beyond.

As humans, every day is emotional for us. For better or worse.  Today was one for worse.  I felt anxious.  That physical anxiety that you feel not just in your chest but your whole body.  You are short of breath and feel light headed.  And then your body goes numb.  You cannot feel your hands; it starts there and continues up your arms and just permeates your entire body and really your entire existence. In that moment you are the most helpless you’ve ever been.

And maybe just maybe if you’re lucky enough to get over the anxiety, then you start to recap all the things that made you feel so awful.  Then you become depressed.  Work is hard, interacting with people is hard, just keeping up the facade of “being okay” becomes harder than you ever imagined.  Yet you hope someone will notice but you’re trying so hard to disguise it, how could they ever believe something is wrong?

Then finally upon coming home you realize you are so drained and exhausted from trying to keep up with the facade all day that you do not have the energy, or desire, to do anything.  You are expended.  So, you skip dinner and put on a TV show for background noise to try to drown out your own thoughts.  Sometimes though, putting on the TV is worse so you just lay in bed staring at the walls and ceiling just waiting for it to get dark so hopefully you can go to sleep.  But you know you won’t be able to sleep.  You never do.  You wake up in a panic in the middle of the night.  You sweat so much it’s unhealthy.  And worst of all you never get the rest you need after exhausting yourself all day. So you wake up more exhausted before the new day has even begun.

I hate this cycle.  I absolutely hate it.  It sometimes feels unbreakable.  I hope this is not the case.  It is too hard to continue living in this way.

That was my day today.  The only saving grace I was able to find was, after we had a huge storm I finally got motivated to take out my garbage which I have not done in a month.  Yes, that is how little I do at home.  But I walked out and immediately I saw it.  A cardinal.  I always see cardinals in times of difficulty and what it has come to mean for me is that God is telling me I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment.  I literally walked right up to it because I was in disbelief.  We stared at each other for a minute.  I then took went around the building to throw my garbage out and by the time I came back around, he was gone.  Completely out of sight.  I needed him today.  The day is still hard, but without that it would be even harder.


More to a tree, and me, than meets the eye.

One thing I think about often is how I believe everything happens as it is supposed to.  Sometimes I do not want to believe this and try to convince myself that maybe this is not the case.

However, then I look around me and reflect.  When you look at a tree what do you see?  Do any thoughts come to mind? For some reason, especially when on a longer drive, when I look at trees all I can think about is the grand mystery of nature and the earth.  How all events in history (whether you believe in a higher power or simply just think it is science) conspired for this moment to happen.  The tree has so many parts to it, yet we only see its exterior and take for granted its story.  Where it is from, how long it has been growing, and all the parts of it that we cannot see but that make it the tree we accept and see.

I think this is a lot like our lives in a way.  People look at us and see us in a moment.  Everything in our lives, and everything in the universe for that matter, worked together to put you in this place.  But people only see that moment.  They do not see what has made you who you are in that moment.  They do not see your story, what you have been through, and all the parts that make you uniquely you.  This feeling can be exhausting.  It leaves us feeling misunderstood, attacked, and alone.  For me, I often go on the defensive immediately if I feel someone does not understand where I am coming from or agrees with a decision I make.  

But I am coming to realize, it’s ok for people to not know the whole story.  I know it is ok because I can still look at a tree, know nothing about it, and find beauty in it.  And those are the people we need in life.  Those who can look at us, know nothing or everything, yet love and care for us regardless.  Those types of people are rare and hard to come by.  I am fortunate to have a few, and everyone deserves to have people like that.  Life is too hard to go it alone.  As much as it may be hard at times, do not be afraid to lean on others.  Independence is great, but the universe has put these other people here for a reason, so you might as well take advantage.

Respect yourself, because others may not.

How are you supposed to act when you find out the last several months have basically been a lie?  What is the appropriate response?  Crying, yelling, screaming, saying nothing, running away?  What do you do?

My heart has been broken by someone that I love (eventually that will say loved in the past tense, but that will take time).  When something like this happens, it really makes you question and doubt yourself.  It’s making me think “what was wrong with me?”  Well, I think if there is anything I have learned from having depression and anxiety is that your mind is powerful enough to convince you of anything.  It can tell me how I was not an ideal partner because I was depressed.  Although to be fair, anyone who is worth being with should accept you as you are.  I can also tell myself I wasn’t nice enough, skinny enough, funny enough, caring enough, demanding enough, etc. etc. etc.  What it comes down to at the end of the day though is NOT me.  It was not me.

He made the decision to talk to and hang out with another girl.  He made the decision to omit that from every time I asked about it.  He made the decision to treat me as though I were disposable.  I cannot place the blame on myself.  I do that each time I find myself in a situation like this and finally, I have realized, it is not my fault.

I am very, very good at blaming myself for things.  But this time is different.  I can’t and frankly, I won’t.  I have wondered for so long why he could not and would not commit to me fully, and now it is clear that he was never sure.  His actions have fully backed that and I cannot change who he is or what he feels.  I will never be able to.  I do not know if or when I will be able to forgive this, but I know I need my space to sort out my own thoughts and feelings before figuring out what will come next in life.

I will come out of this stronger and I will be better off for all that I have learned from this situation.  There is no doubt that I will eventually find happiness, in whatever ways I can.

The only thing I regret is letting my heart open up to someone who couldn’t even respect it.  I will be guarding my heart more carefully than ever after this.  Trust will not be given anymore, as it always has been with me in the past.  From now on, my own happiness will be my priority and not the happiness of someone else, especially someone who cannot respect me.