Respect yourself, because others may not.

How are you supposed to act when you find out the last several months have basically been a lie?  What is the appropriate response?  Crying, yelling, screaming, saying nothing, running away?  What do you do?

My heart has been broken by someone that I love (eventually that will say loved in the past tense, but that will take time).  When something like this happens, it really makes you question and doubt yourself.  It’s making me think “what was wrong with me?”  Well, I think if there is anything I have learned from having depression and anxiety is that your mind is powerful enough to convince you of anything.  It can tell me how I was not an ideal partner because I was depressed.  Although to be fair, anyone who is worth being with should accept you as you are.  I can also tell myself I wasn’t nice enough, skinny enough, funny enough, caring enough, demanding enough, etc. etc. etc.  What it comes down to at the end of the day though is NOT me.  It was not me.

He made the decision to talk to and hang out with another girl.  He made the decision to omit that from every time I asked about it.  He made the decision to treat me as though I were disposable.  I cannot place the blame on myself.  I do that each time I find myself in a situation like this and finally, I have realized, it is not my fault.

I am very, very good at blaming myself for things.  But this time is different.  I can’t and frankly, I won’t.  I have wondered for so long why he could not and would not commit to me fully, and now it is clear that he was never sure.  His actions have fully backed that and I cannot change who he is or what he feels.  I will never be able to.  I do not know if or when I will be able to forgive this, but I know I need my space to sort out my own thoughts and feelings before figuring out what will come next in life.

I will come out of this stronger and I will be better off for all that I have learned from this situation.  There is no doubt that I will eventually find happiness, in whatever ways I can.

The only thing I regret is letting my heart open up to someone who couldn’t even respect it.  I will be guarding my heart more carefully than ever after this.  Trust will not be given anymore, as it always has been with me in the past.  From now on, my own happiness will be my priority and not the happiness of someone else, especially someone who cannot respect me.

 

-mnw

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