As humans, every day is emotional for us. For better or worse. Today was one for worse. I felt anxious. That physical anxiety that you feel not just in your chest but your whole body. You are short of breath and feel light headed. And then your body goes numb. You cannot feel your hands; it starts there and continues up your arms and just permeates your entire body and really your entire existence. In that moment you are the most helpless you’ve ever been.
And maybe just maybe if you’re lucky enough to get over the anxiety, then you start to recap all the things that made you feel so awful. Then you become depressed. Work is hard, interacting with people is hard, just keeping up the facade of “being okay” becomes harder than you ever imagined. Yet you hope someone will notice but you’re trying so hard to disguise it, how could they ever believe something is wrong?
Then finally upon coming home you realize you are so drained and exhausted from trying to keep up with the facade all day that you do not have the energy, or desire, to do anything. You are expended. So, you skip dinner and put on a TV show for background noise to try to drown out your own thoughts. Sometimes though, putting on the TV is worse so you just lay in bed staring at the walls and ceiling just waiting for it to get dark so hopefully you can go to sleep. But you know you won’t be able to sleep. You never do. You wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. You sweat so much it’s unhealthy. And worst of all you never get the rest you need after exhausting yourself all day. So you wake up more exhausted before the new day has even begun.
I hate this cycle. I absolutely hate it. It sometimes feels unbreakable. I hope this is not the case. It is too hard to continue living in this way.
That was my day today. The only saving grace I was able to find was, after we had a huge storm I finally got motivated to take out my garbage which I have not done in a month. Yes, that is how little I do at home. But I walked out and immediately I saw it. A cardinal. I always see cardinals in times of difficulty and what it has come to mean for me is that God is telling me I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment. I literally walked right up to it because I was in disbelief. We stared at each other for a minute. I then took went around the building to throw my garbage out and by the time I came back around, he was gone. Completely out of sight. I needed him today. The day is still hard, but without that it would be even harder.