Change, uncertainty, and what comes next?

It’s been longer than I would have liked since I last wrote, but I cannot stay away for too long.  Too much builds inside and I know it is time to clear my head in the way i know how – writing.  To describe how I have been feeling lately is going to really take some effort.

My depression and anxiety have been seemingly under control which is a great feeling.  I say this knowing that it is still an underlying issue at moments, but for the most part, I am in a good place.  Anxiety has been more prominent lately than anything, but through my work with therapy I am fortunate enough that I can manage my anxiety on my own as long as I am not having a full-blown panic attack.

With all this being said, my life has been an emotional whirlwind the last month and I am finally running out of gas and not sure what is next.  I’ve remained so strong throughout it all – finding out some unsavory information about the guy I have loved for the last year and a half, being offered a job in a city completely across the country, watching my brother move home closer to our family,  and falling in love with improv.  I feel like I have lost myself and found myself all at once.

It’s taken me my entire life, but I am currently so ecstatic about the person I am.  I am doing things I have always feared doing, but doing them because I want to pursue them and not for any other reason.  However, there is still a missing piece to the puzzle and I just am not certain as to what that piece is.  My happiness is no longer dependent on another person; however, having someone to share the happiness would certainly be great.

I just cannot fathom trusting a person right now.  I know how I feel towards myself and I do not believe that anyone will ever truly be able to see all the good that I have to offer.  It is great to be confident in yourself, but for me I love reaffirmation from others.  It tells me that my thoughts are valid, real, and not exaggerated.  While I do not NEED that, it is so nice to have.  This period of my life has been the most transformative not in the sense that I have changed, but that I have realized who I am and what I deserve.  It is definitely overwhelming to experience and makes you question so many things about life.

i think this feeling of being overwhelmed and unsure of the future is what is putting me in my current funk.  I finally know myself, but now what to do with that knowledge?  All I can hope is that I can help people.  That is what makes me feel fulfilled and happy.  I love helping others and making them happy.  I know I can do that now I just need to figure out the best way to do that and people who want that from me as well.

 

-mnw