It’s been longer than I would have liked since I last wrote, but I cannot stay away for too long. Too much builds inside and I know it is time to clear my head in the way i know how – writing. To describe how I have been feeling lately is going to really take some effort.
My depression and anxiety have been seemingly under control which is a great feeling. I say this knowing that it is still an underlying issue at moments, but for the most part, I am in a good place. Anxiety has been more prominent lately than anything, but through my work with therapy I am fortunate enough that I can manage my anxiety on my own as long as I am not having a full-blown panic attack.
With all this being said, my life has been an emotional whirlwind the last month and I am finally running out of gas and not sure what is next. I’ve remained so strong throughout it all – finding out some unsavory information about the guy I have loved for the last year and a half, being offered a job in a city completely across the country, watching my brother move home closer to our family, and falling in love with improv. I feel like I have lost myself and found myself all at once.
It’s taken me my entire life, but I am currently so ecstatic about the person I am. I am doing things I have always feared doing, but doing them because I want to pursue them and not for any other reason. However, there is still a missing piece to the puzzle and I just am not certain as to what that piece is. My happiness is no longer dependent on another person; however, having someone to share the happiness would certainly be great.
I just cannot fathom trusting a person right now. I know how I feel towards myself and I do not believe that anyone will ever truly be able to see all the good that I have to offer. It is great to be confident in yourself, but for me I love reaffirmation from others. It tells me that my thoughts are valid, real, and not exaggerated. While I do not NEED that, it is so nice to have. This period of my life has been the most transformative not in the sense that I have changed, but that I have realized who I am and what I deserve. It is definitely overwhelming to experience and makes you question so many things about life.
i think this feeling of being overwhelmed and unsure of the future is what is putting me in my current funk. I finally know myself, but now what to do with that knowledge? All I can hope is that I can help people. That is what makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I love helping others and making them happy. I know I can do that now I just need to figure out the best way to do that and people who want that from me as well.