Fear and Questioning

I was going to write this all in my journal, but something keeps telling me to write here instead.  I’m not really sure what it is that is going to come out, so hopefully it is something productive.

Well, I have been doing much better lately in general, but then I have moments.  These moments are so dark and lonely and sad that I can hardly bear to think of them.  I am experiencing one of those times right now.

I feel alone.  I guess it is hard to explain because ultimately I know that I am not alone, but that it what I feel.  I am tired, in every sense of the word.  Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion are overcoming me at certain times, and those times seem to be happening closer and closer together.  Those times make me apathetic.  I care about nothing.  Sure, I still love my family and friends and want the best for them but I feel I cannot control or contribute to that in any way, so ultimately what does my caring provide?

I generally feel sad.  I am confused on so many things, big and small.  From things like what I should eat (or if I should eat) to why does life exist?  I can’t seem to come to terms with anything.  I just want sound, logical answers to everything and it turns out that life does not have many of those to offer.  I hate that.  Sure, I like a bit of gray area here and there, but sometimes I need a black and white answer.  It helps keep me sane.  And right now, I do not feel I get any black and white answers.  Just more and more gray areas and confusion.

I am also questioning myself a lot lately.  Sometimes I feel I am getting back to my old self, but then I do something or react in a way I never would have and I’m wondering if I’m becoming another new version of myself.  It is scary.  I feel I don’t even know who I am and what I have to offer.  It’s like reuniting with a friend you haven’t seen in 10 years and realizing they have changed so much.  I feel I have changed so much and I can’t even describe who I am or what I want anymore.  It makes me feel lost.

I’m also hurt.  I have had a hell of a year in every possible way and I am just hurt by so much of it.  I have been rocked to my core in ways I did not know were possible by things I never thought were possible.  It sucks, frankly.  It has left me hopeless.  I have no idea what my future holds in any aspect of life.  I do not mean to be alarming by saying this, but I honestly question whether I even want a future.  Sometimes, giving up and letting go of the pain of so many things in life seems easier and quite honestly better than living through it.  You do not get a prize for persevering, so what is the purpose?

Everyone struggles, I understand this.  But nobody can ever really identify why they continue.  I guess if you are a parent, you mainly continue because of your kids.  But what about those that aren’t parents?  How do you find your will to live?  Most days I am OK, but some days I can’t even fathom getting out of bed.  Most days I do, and I go to work or go do whatever else it is that’s in my plans, but what have I gained?  What has changed?  Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who would make better use of it.  I feel ashamed that I have so many gifts and my mind makes it so very difficult for me to use them, or at least use them in a way that can help others.  It feels embarrassing and selfish of me.  Which only perpetuates my self-loathing, naturally.

I genuinely just want to feel peace.  Sometimes I do not even pray for happiness, but just peace.  In my mind and heart and soul.  Maybe then I could understand myself better and begin to try to find something that I can offer to the world.

 

-mnw