It’s been a while. Sorry about that. I’d love to get back in the habit of writing here and I think I will now that I’ve started.
As an update, I have been doing well. In fact, I’ve been doing really well. It has been just over a full year now since I have started taking my antidepressant, Sertraline which is the generic brand of Zoloft. The medicine has been very helpful and has made me feel more like my old self than I thought was possible while I was in the midst of my depression.
I feel confident again. I walk around with my shoulders back and my head high, the way I used to. I believe in myself and know what my abilities are and what I have to offer. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being cocky with how confident I feel, but then I remind myself that 1. that’s really OK to feel! and 2. I’d take a little bit overly confident vs. self-loathing any day of the week/month/year/LIFE.
With that being said, my life is not perfect, not that I ever expect it or want it to be. But I just need to be honest and open because it is one way that I cope with my struggles. Certain things have been less than ideal lately – others in my life have been going through some really heavy and difficult times and I am not able to physically be there with them and that’s made me feel like a less than adequate friend some days. But I do what I can and make sure they know I am here, on their side, and ready to support them the best way I can from where I am. That has not bothered me.
Work has also been a bit stressful. Many people have left or been let go lately and that is not always the easiest environment to go into every day, not knowing who may be the next to go whether by choice or not. This has not bothered me.
Many more things have taken place that may be less than ideal – things with my parents’ health, my cat, my finances, etc. None of these have bothered me.
What has bothered me most and kept me up most at night and made me feel the most empty is living with a broken heart. Last year was the toughest year of my life, not just because of my depression but because of my breakup and its devastating nature. I tried to be forgiving and understanding, so allowed things to continue but did not know that all the while I was being lied to. At the end of the year, I still felt I wanted to be with this person. They were the one I have loved more than anyone I have ever known. I gave every ounce of my being to make sure that relationship could work and thrive and he could know I was there for him. And at the end of the day, that was not reciprocated. The worst part for me now, is I valued his friendship and role in my life so much, that I decided to try to remain friends with him. We are still friends and talk and spend time together, but I can feel us slowly growing apart and it tears my heart into more pieces than ever before.
I did not know I could have a love so strong for someone. I hope and pray that I can move on and find happiness in a relationship in the future, I just have no idea what that timeline looks like. I have no interest in even looking at someone else in that way, not just because I am still getting over him, but because it does not even feel right for me to do so. It feels as though I’d be ignoring everything my heart has told me for the last two years and that is not something I can easily do. It makes me feel sick to think that I have lost something I never saw myself living without. It makes me feel inadequate.
One of the craziest things is this person is one of my biggest advocates. He tells me all the time that there is no reason I shouldn’t feel confident in myself or my work or my abilities or the things I have to offer. And I agree. However, how can the same person who tells me those things be the same one to completely reject me? It is the most confusing and hurtful emotion to feel. I had always believed him when he said those things to me. And I believe them about myself. Lately, he has mentioned he sees me doubting myself but I have not had the courage to tell him it’s because the person whose words I believed the most showed actions that went completely against those words. How am I supposed to know what is real or not anymore, even in my own mind? I don’t.
Writing this and expressing this right now is so difficult. This is something that has been stirring and manifesting in me for quite a while. The worst of it is, since he is still a close friend and was my best friend for so long, all I want to do when I feel down is call him to talk about it. But I have accepted that this is the reality. This is my fate when it comes to him. We can be friends, if I chose to continue on that path, but it will not be more than that. He did not choose me. He chose NOT me. And that hurts. Who do I talk to about this? Where do I turn? These are questions I have no answers for but sometimes cry myself to sleep thinking about.
I miss him dearly. I miss him so much. I could write a novel about how utterly certain I am that we were put on this earth to be with one another. As crazy as it sounds, I still firmly believe that. But I know with how much hurt he’s caused me that going back to the place we once were would be incredibly difficult, if not impossible. I want it and long for it so badly. I still have hope that there will be somebody out there who can make me happy, but man is it hard to imagine replacing him. And I hate that I think that, but I cannot deny my heart. When my heart chooses to love someone, it does not give up. Even when my head is begging it to. I know in my head that moving on, being independent, living a life without him in it, and hopefully one day meeting someone who gives me what I want/need/deserve is what I should be focusing on. But sadly, my heart is bigger than anything else within me and my heart is forever on my sleeve. I love that man and it’s hard to imagine a day when I won’t.
So here I am. Admitting that while my body has mostly healed from its depression and I can make it through nearly all of life’s difficulties with a strong and confident attitude, that I am most definitely living my life with a completely broken heart right now. At first I felt ashamed by this. But I now realize that admitting it will just be part of the process of helping me move on. If there is anyone else going through something like this or who has ever been through this, I feel for you. I’ve been broken up with before, and those breakups made me sad. But this. This feels like half of my soul got up and walked out of my body without any intention of ever coming back. I would not wish the pain on anyone. I only hope that those who have experienced it can find comfort in any way. I am not sure I’ve figured out my source of comfort just yet, but I look forward to the day I do.